Things That Happen 2.0: A Rebooted Satirical Timeline

[spanishspy]

SANDERS APPEARS IN KFC COMMERCIAL


LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY - In an act of pandering to the American population that seems like it could be from the Clinton campaign, Bernie Sanders, the maverick Democratic candidate for President, has appeared in an advertisement for Kentucky Fried Chicken, clearly attempting to bolster his name recognition by affiliating himself with a company that sells fucking delicious food.

The advertisement shows Bernie Sanders knocking on the door of a mansion in a Colonel Sanders uniform, holding a bucket of fried chicken. The door is opened by a hedge fund manager whose lifestyle is paid for by the blood, tears, and sweat of hardworking middle-class Americans. There, Sanders presents him with the stupidly large bucket, but then eats seventy-three percent of the chicken in front of him, presenting him with the bones and crumbs of Sanders' meal plus the rest of the chicken. Sanders then goes on the same fucking spiel that he uses whenever he appears publicly. The advertisement ends with the logos of the Sanders campaign and Kentucky Fried Chicken.


Picture found off of Google images ripped off shamelessly to provide a picture for this update.

This reaction to this advertisement has been the predictable outrage, as nothing in these times goes without outrage. Right wingers made up some bullshit about how he's subsuming a traditional American cultural icon while liberals have harped upon him by breaking Clinton's monopoly of pandering to corporations among the Democratic ranks.

Young people have been out in spades, and redditors have swarmed KFCs throughout the country giving them as much money as possible as a thank you gesture for saying positive things about their messiah. None of these people happened to be aware of the wealth amassed by KFC and how they were using their beloved savior of the people to increase their profits.

[lordroel]

Feb 10, 2016 3:45:21 GMT spanishspy said:

Picture found off of Google images ripped off shamelessly to provide a picture for this update.

Where is the goatee.

[spanishspy]

Feb 10, 2016 19:21:54 GMT lordroel said:

Feb 10, 2016 3:45:21 GMT spanishspy said:

Picture found off of Google images ripped off shamelessly to provide a picture for this update.

Where is the goatee.

It's invisible.

[spanishspy]

MacEVIL: STOP MISSPELLING MY NAME


HEMPSTEAD, NEW YORK - Speaking at a town near his top-secret evil lair, evil genius and Democratic candidate for president Robert MacEvil has angrily accosted certain individuals who consistently miss the 'a' in his name.

"It's MacEvil, not McEvil," he said, frustrated by the issue. "You would not make the same mistake with Trump or Carson or Clinton or Sanders. Why do you do it to me?"

This comes at a time when this timeline, and MacEvil himself, have been nominated for awards on a nameless obscure internet forum. Nominations with MacEvil's name contain the misspelling. "If this continues," promise MacEvil, "I will do terrible, terrible things to you."

Previous incidences of misspelling his name have included a newspaper editor working for some politically biased rag in some little town nobody gives a shit about; MacEvil's goons subsequently pulled out every single member of the newspaper staff onto the street, crushed them under treaded construction equipment, set them on fire, and strewed the ashes all over the town. The block that the newspaper office was on was firebombed from the sky, and the town's water supply was contaminated with poisons, depopulating within a week.

Another town that nobody gives a fuck about was the subject of another misspelling. In the town's local underfunded high school, an apathetic student giving a report about the political shitshow that this country is currently undergoing accidentally spelled the name wrong on a single slide of his powerpoint presentation; cameras that had been hacked by the suprevillain subsequently spotted the error. Upon finding this, the villain's goons bribed the school board to hold an assembly about such an egregious error. The student in question was publicly shamed by her peers, and had slurs, vegetables, and human waste thrown at her by people she considered her friends. From there, his goons brought in a large wood chipper and stuffed her in it, spilling her innards into the crowd. The school was subsequently barricaded by paid off police, and the entire student body and faculty was ground up into human mulch. From there, the school was demolished, and the entire body of high school students, middle school students, elementary school students, kindergarten students, preschool students, nursery students, little children, and pregnant women were rounded up and similarly ripped to shreds, condemning the town to a slow and painful decline followed by being bought out by a Chinese corporation using sweatshop labor.

"I have brought those who misspell my name to justice," said MacEvil, in reference to these incidents and similar ones. "Be very careful to remember that 'a.'"

When asked about how he would deal with persons who do so in metaspace, he glared at the audience, threw a shrapnel grenade into them, and left, the grenade detonating as he did so.

[spanishspy]

TIMELINE WINS JACK SHIT



METASPACE - This timeline, entered in two categories in a popular vote-based contest on an obscure online discussion forum, succeeded in taking home exactly zero awards.

"What?" asked Robert MacEvil, a nominee for a 'best character' (or perhaps 'best caricature) award, frothing in rage. "Do you mean that my unique form of evil was not good enough for these plebeians?" From this, he pulled out a machine gun from his pocket (which can hold such things because SCIENCE!) and proceeded to fire volleys of bullets into the audience, killing twelve. "This will teach you!"

Donald Trump was suitably enraged, being the arrogant blowhard he is. "The author has failed to make this timeline great!" he yelled to his audiences.

Bernie Sanders said something about how this isn't important and then went on the same fucking tangent he goes on whenever he speaks.

Hillary Clinton said something that nobody will remember but seems awfully pandering.

Ben Carson wasn't even aware this timeline was nominated for anything.

Ted Cruz threatened to shut down the timeline.

John Kasich said something reasonable and further cemented his status as unelectable.

Marco Rubio said something that was ignored.

Literally Hitler called for the death of the author.

Vermin Supreme said something hippieish.

Kanye West promoted his new album.

The unified call of the candidates, however, blamed the lack of victory on the author. "He didn't even write an update promoting the timeline!" called out a critic from Chatham, Virginia. "What the hell is going on with this motherfucker?"

In response, the author said the following:

"I'm sorry about this; my life is in shambles. I have two jobs, five classes, a hell of a lot of coursework, possible anxiety and depression, loneliness, and a whole slew of other issues. Forgive me for being overwhelmed; all this has diluted my creative ability and spirit."

The author was subsequently chased out of the interview room with an armored bulldozer.

[spanishspy]

TRUMP: "BUILD A FOURTH WALL AND MAKE THE AUTHOR PAY FOR IT"

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI - Donald Trump, the nutcase whose presidential campaign is beginning to look like an attempt to compensate for something (as demonstrated by his performance in the recent presidential debate in Detroit), has called for the construction of a fourth wall for this timeline, something that it has lacked since its original inception.

"It's not fair to middle class Americans that the author can come down and just fuck with things," said Trump, who elaborated that "this is tyranny and oppression, just like George III."

Trump's plan includes some bullshit about wrapping the universe in a metal sheathe to prevent the author from entering the timeline, despite knowing fully well that the author can do whatever the fuck he wants. When asked about this, Trump said "I'm rich. I can make it work." He did not elaborate on how the author would pay for said wall.

When asked about the notion, the author began laughing. "What the fuck is this bullshit?" he asked. "It's something stupid that I wrote for Trump. Face it, it does sound like the idiot, doesn't it?" The author then laughed at his own creation in a desperate attempt to quell his own loneliness and misery in the world beyond this stupid fiction.

There is no conceivable way that the annoying orange running for president could possibly create a way to repair the broken fourth wall. This is, as one might expect, a delusion to create another cheap joke. "This timeline is getting very hard to write," said the author. "I'm not sure how long this goes before events beyond my control make it impossible to be funny anymore."

[spanishspy]

AUTHOR RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS

GOING TO END TIMELINE SOON



METASPACE - Throwing his hands up in frustration and lack of motivation, the author has announced that he can promise very few more updates for this timeline.

"This election is already a joke," quipped the author. "With the Donald boasting about his dick size on national television, we have jumped off the fucking deep end. I simply cannot keep up. I just can't continue being funny in this context."

This announcement has sent anger into the crowd of readers that the author conjured up to make people think that he has readers. "I demand something more than just this fucking timeline ending!" spat a critic from Manteo, North Carolina. "This unfunny mess still needs to continue for the display of the author's own incompetence, so that his professional and social life are utterly ruined."

The author objected to this remark by bringing up how he already has no social and professional life; he is so socially crippled he hardly leaves his dorm room, the thought of talking to girls scares him, the thought of checking his grades or working on his career puts him into physical pain due to the psychological torture that passed as discipline when he was elementary school until high school graduation, has no real marketable skills beyond bullshitting, and to boot has very little motivation to do anything because he is so lonely and miserable, with the only reassurance being that nobody gives a shit about anything in the above list. The author subsequently ran away sobbing and cried himself to sleep, missing deadlines for things he should have remembered, furthering his downward spiral into soul-crippling depression.

After sobbing and trying not to descend into abject lunacy, the author then commented that he intends to write a new satirical timeline after this one. "I'm not done being funny," he said, and that "there will be some recurring characters, in some sense, in the new one."

After that, he returned to his room to avoid the misery of existence.

[spanishspy]

[CANDIDATE] WINS ELECTION, EVERYONE FUCKED

WASHINGTON, D.C. - [CANDIDATE] has, in a turn of events that made it seem as if the [PARTY NAME] party were in its dying throes, seized victory from the jaws of defeat, winning [SWING STATE], [SWING STATE], and [STATE NOBODY FUCKING HIM/HER TO WIN] to get to the White House.

In his/her election speech, [CANDIDATE] announced his/her intention to begin [REALLY FUCKING BAD THING] that will fuck over the nation in every conceivable form. "Now, I can begin the one true plan of [CAMPAIGN PROMISE THAT WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN DUE TO CONGRESSIONAL DEADLOCK]!" As expected, [OPPOSING PARTY] has denounced what [CANDIDATE] has promised in speech, promising "complete obstruction and political gridlock so we can achieve our political objectives."

As one might expect, given the collective maturity of our nation, the American public has predictably gone insane due to the policies that [CANDIDATE] is going to enact, which will likely cause significant damage to[MINORITY GROUP] and [SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP]'s ability to continue existence. Said one commentator from [TOWN NAME], [STATE RELEVANT TO CANDIDATE'S INTENTIONS], "[CANDIDATE] is going to disenfranchise, tax, and murder [SPEAKER'S DEMOGRAPHIC OR SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP] to death! It's the end of the world!"

Such was held to be nonsense by the international community, as the world was going to hell anyway. "[CANDIDATE] is only an accessory to the end of all human civilization, not the cause!" said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the death cult known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Various bastards around the world, such as David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Shinzo Abe, Narendra Modi, Justin Trudeau, Marine le Pen, Nicolas Maduro, Nigel Farage, and Justin Bieber just laughed at the pretensions of the American public.

"We've had enough!" was the reaction from the leader of the #NoLivesMatter movement, which revealed that it had acquired multiple nuclear weapons via authorial fiat. "We cannot let [CANDIDATE] go through with his/her dastardly schemes!" After this, they fired their nuclear weapons into the Earth's core, ending anything remotely interesting in the timeline.

[lordroel]

Mar 19, 2016 5:06:16 GMT spanishspy said:

[CANDIDATE] WINS ELECTION, EVERYONE FUCKED

WASHINGTON, D.C. - [CANDIDATE] has, in a turn of events that made it seem as if the [PARTY NAME] party were in its dying throes, seized victory from the jaws of defeat, winning [SWING STATE], [SWING STATE], and [STATE NOBODY FUCKING HIM/HER TO WIN] to get to the White House.

In his/her election speech, [CANDIDATE] announced his/her intention to begin [REALLY FUCKING BAD THING] that will fuck over the nation in every conceivable form. "Now, I can begin the one true plan of [CAMPAIGN PROMISE THAT WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN DUE TO CONGRESSIONAL DEADLOCK]!" As expected, [OPPOSING PARTY] has denounced what [CANDIDATE] has promised in speech, promising "complete obstruction and political gridlock so we can achieve our political objectives."

As one might expect, given the collective maturity of our nation, the American public has predictably gone insane due to the policies that [CANDIDATE] is going to enact, which will likely cause significant damage to[MINORITY GROUP] and [SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP]'s ability to continue existence. Said one commentator from [TOWN NAME], [STATE RELEVANT TO CANDIDATE'S INTENTIONS], "[CANDIDATE] is going to disenfranchise, tax, and murder [SPEAKER'S DEMOGRAPHIC OR SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP] to death! It's the end of the world!"

Such was held to be nonsense by the international community, as the world was going to hell anyway. "[CANDIDATE] is only an accessory to the end of all human civilization, not the cause!" said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the death cult known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Various bastards around the world, such as David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Shinzo Abe, Narendra Modi, Justin Trudeau, Marine le Pen, Nicolas Maduro, Nigel Farage, and Justin Bieber just laughed at the pretensions of the American public.

"We've had enough!" was the reaction from the leader of the #NoLivesMatter movement, which revealed that it had acquired multiple nuclear weapons via authorial fiat. "We cannot let [CANDIDATE] go through with his/her dastardly schemes!" After this, they fired their nuclear weapons into the Earth's core, ending anything remotely interesting in the timeline.

Is this fill in your own thing post.

[spanishspy]

Mar 19, 2016 6:23:30 GMT lordroel said:

Mar 19, 2016 5:06:16 GMT spanishspy said:

[CANDIDATE] WINS ELECTION, EVERYONE FUCKED

WASHINGTON, D.C. - [CANDIDATE] has, in a turn of events that made it seem as if the [PARTY NAME] party were in its dying throes, seized victory from the jaws of defeat, winning [SWING STATE], [SWING STATE], and [STATE NOBODY FUCKING HIM/HER TO WIN] to get to the White House.

In his/her election speech, [CANDIDATE] announced his/her intention to begin [REALLY FUCKING BAD THING] that will fuck over the nation in every conceivable form. "Now, I can begin the one true plan of [CAMPAIGN PROMISE THAT WON'T FUCKING HAPPEN DUE TO CONGRESSIONAL DEADLOCK]!" As expected, [OPPOSING PARTY] has denounced what [CANDIDATE] has promised in speech, promising "complete obstruction and political gridlock so we can achieve our political objectives."

As one might expect, given the collective maturity of our nation, the American public has predictably gone insane due to the policies that [CANDIDATE] is going to enact, which will likely cause significant damage to[MINORITY GROUP] and [SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP]'s ability to continue existence. Said one commentator from [TOWN NAME], [STATE RELEVANT TO CANDIDATE'S INTENTIONS], "[CANDIDATE] is going to disenfranchise, tax, and murder [SPEAKER'S DEMOGRAPHIC OR SOCIOECONOMIC GROUP] to death! It's the end of the world!"

Such was held to be nonsense by the international community, as the world was going to hell anyway. "[CANDIDATE] is only an accessory to the end of all human civilization, not the cause!" said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the death cult known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Various bastards around the world, such as David Cameron, Angela Merkel, Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Shinzo Abe, Narendra Modi, Justin Trudeau, Marine le Pen, Nicolas Maduro, Nigel Farage, and Justin Bieber just laughed at the pretensions of the American public.

"We've had enough!" was the reaction from the leader of the #NoLivesMatter movement, which revealed that it had acquired multiple nuclear weapons via authorial fiat. "We cannot let [CANDIDATE] go through with his/her dastardly schemes!" After this, they fired their nuclear weapons into the Earth's core, ending anything remotely interesting in the timeline.

Is this fill in your own thing post.

In a sense, yes.