Historical jokes

[stevep]

Feb 28, 2024 23:42:45 GMT Max Sinister said:

A joke from a "Nazis win" TL:

Germans: Achtung! Divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Finns: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Germans: This is the Kapitän of a Kriegsmarine ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Finns: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Germans: This is the aircraft carrier Berthold Schwarz, the second largest ship in the Kriegsmarine. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Finns: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

---

And now back to OTL:

Spring 1918. Authors Roda Roda and Roessler have written a comedy about the armed forces of A-H, called "Der Feldherrnhügel". The censors forbid them to play it - "not as long as our monarchy is standing!"

Roda Roda: "Then we'll wait the few weeks."

  I've heard the arrogant admiral & lighthouse joke several times, normally with a USN force as their been the dominant naval power for most of the last century. 

[Max Sinister]

Feb 29, 2024 9:18:02 GMT stevep said:

Feb 28, 2024 23:42:45 GMT Max Sinister said:

A joke from a "Nazis win" TL:

Germans: Achtung! Divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Finns: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Germans: This is the Kapitän of a Kriegsmarine ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Finns: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Germans: This is the aircraft carrier Berthold Schwarz, the second largest ship in the Kriegsmarine. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Finns: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

---

And now back to OTL:

Spring 1918. Authors Roda Roda and Roessler have written a comedy about the armed forces of A-H, called "Der Feldherrnhügel". The censors forbid them to play it - "not as long as our monarchy is standing!"

Roda Roda: "Then we'll wait the few weeks."

  I've heard the arrogant admiral & lighthouse joke several times, normally with a USN force as their been the dominant naval power for most of the last century. 

No doubt about that. But ATLs will have alternate jokes too, won't they?

[Max Sinister]

As said earlier, I also like to discover jokes which nowadays are only known in a Censored version. Like this one:

Original: Cagliostro was a famous conman who pretended he could make gold and knew the secret of eternal life. He had prepared his servant accordingly - if some naive person asked the servant "Is it true that your lord is two thousand years old, and that he has met Jesus christ in person?", the servant would have to answer: "I can't know, I have been in the service of my master for four hundred years only."

---

The censored version:

A family makes a holiday in a real Scottish castle.

In the night, the young daughter has to go to the bathroom, which is outside their room, so she has to walk through a corridor. It's cold, dark, and she's read too many ghost stories, so she's afraid. When she meets an old man, she asks: "Excuse me sir - are there ghosts in here?"

"Definitely not. I've never seen one here, and I've been floating every night through these corridors for 150 years."

[Max Sinister]

This time a music video, by the Austrian fun-rock band EAV which I like pretty much. With a nice parody of the "Amadeus" movie included.

Compared to what has happened meanwhile, it's quite harmless, but then he wanted to sue them. You'll see why.



Lyrics and translation:

Herr Waldheim hat ein Häuschen (Herr Waldheim has a little house)
und er ist kerngesund (and he is very healthy)
nur er leidet (but he's suffering from)
an Gedächtnisschwund (memory deficits)
Denkt er an die Vergangenheit (If he thinks about the past)
die ziemlich übel roch (which smells pretty bad)
dann hat er (then he has -)
im Hirn ein Schwarzes Loch (a black hole in his brain)

Bedenklich find't die Kommission (The commission finds it questionable)
er weiß nix von Deportation (he doesn't know anything about a deportation)
er hat Tag und Nacht studiert (he had studied all day and all night)
alles ist - wie ausradiert! (everything's like erased)

Kurti, Kurti, Kurti
Mein Gott, der Kurti weiß nix mehr! (my God, that Kurti doesn't know anything anymore!)
Beim Kurti verschwundi und ois furti
Er kann sich nicht erinnern (He cannot remember)
es ist schon so lang her (so much time has passed)
Mein Gott, der Kurti weiß nix mehr!
Mein Gott - er weiß nix mehr! (my God, he doesn't know anything anymore!)

Es war 1985 und es war in Wien (It was in 1985 and it was in Vienna)
ein Großteil aller Österreicher wählte ihn (a majority of all Austrians elected him)
er war ein Virtuose, war ein Diplomat, (he was a virtuoso, was a diplomat)
und seitdem er Präsident ist, kennt ein jeder unsern Staat! (and since he became president, anybody knows our state!)

Oh oh oh... rock me Kurti!

Jedoch im Ausland ist der Kurti nicht sehr populär, (However, abroad Kurti's not very popular,
because er kann sich nicht erinnern, ja das ist sein Flair (because he can't remember, yes that is his flair,)
unser Land ist unten durch, unser Image ist beschissen, (our country's in the gutter, our image is crappy)
schon heute rufen viele: "Man muss wissen, man muss wissen, (today already, many are shouting "One has to know, one has to know)
Wann man gehn muss, wann man gehn muss (when one has to leave...)
wann man gehn muss, wann man gehn muss
wann man gehn muss, wann man gehn muss
man muss wissen, wann man gehn muss!" (One has to know, when one has to leave!")

[Max Sinister]

Q: Why did the Wehrmacht call the Italian military reports "spaghetti reports"?
A: Because they were "long and thin".

[American hist]

sorry you have to waight allmost 3 minutes for the joke in the movie clip

[Max Sinister]

A fascist functionary from Rome is visiting a factory. He asks the responsible manager whether Socialists among the workmen have been fired. The manager says no, about 40% of them are, he can't fire them, they're experienced workers and necessary to run the factory. So the functionary asks whether the factory is at least Commie-free, then. The manager says no, actually the whole other 60% are Communist.

Functionary: "Are there no Fascists in your factory at all?!"
Manager: "Why, they all are fascists!"

(That joke is also told about Nazi Germany, but IMO it fits better to Italy.)

[Max Sinister]

(Originally I had thought up this joke for my Chaos TL - where technology, esp. regarding computers, is several decades ahead of OTL -, but since this thread is for althist jokes as well, I'll post it here.)

A joke from the 1980s:
News go around that some computer scientist managed to write an artificial intelligence that helped him to completely understand women. A man learns about this and manages to meet said computer scientist.
"So - is it really true that you wrote this program that makes you understand women?"
"Yes, indeed."
"And - what do you have to know about them?"

"Don't ask!"

[Max Sinister]

Q: How many Italians were around in 1945?
A: 90 millions - 45 millions of former fascists, plus 45 millions who had never been fascists.

[Max Sinister]

Let's make this one:

Q: "What's the meaning of NSDAP?"
A: "Nutzlose Schweine, Die Alles Plattmachen!" (Useless swine which demolish everything!)

[lordroel]

Apr 14, 2024 11:05:33 GMT Max Sinister said:

Let's make this one:

Q: "What's the meaning of NSDAP?"
A: "Nutzlose Schweine, Die Alles Plattmachen!" (Useless swine which demolish everything!)

You know, that i have seen tweets from people who think the National Socialist German Workers' Party is a Communist party, do to having Workers in it.

[Max Sinister]

Apr 14, 2024 11:10:21 GMT lordroel said:

Apr 14, 2024 11:05:33 GMT Max Sinister said:

Let's make this one:

Q: "What's the meaning of NSDAP?"
A: "Nutzlose Schweine, Die Alles Plattmachen!" (Useless swine which demolish everything!)

You know, that i have seen tweets from people who think the National Socialist German Workers' Party is a Communist party, do to having Workers in it.

Let alone "Socialist". Yeah, some people (e.g. some libertarians, but others too, like Edmund Stoiber) like to lump Nazis and Commies.

But that's not actually funny...

[Max Sinister]

Another EAV song, from 1990 appropriately.



"Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin" (There's a house in... guess.)

Karl-Otto kommt aus Ostberlin und Blasi heisst sein Hund, (Karl-Otto comes from East Berlin, and his dog's named Blasi,)
beide war’n nie in der Partei. (both of them never were in the party.)
Ging er Gassi mit dem Blasi, Wasser lassi, (When he went with Blasi to the street taking a leak,)
dann war quasi ein Stasi immer mit dabei. (then, so to speak, a Stasi guy was always around.)

Es sprach Herr Gorbatschow: „Es werde Licht!“. (Herr Gorbachev spake "Let there be light!")
Und siehe, es ward ein wenig heller. (And Lo, things became somewhat brighter.)
Karl-Otto packt die Truhe; macht seine Bude dicht. (Karl-Otto packs his stuff; closes up his shack.)
Sein Trabant fuhr niemals schneller! (His Trabant never went that fast!)

Von Ostberlin nach Varaszdin über’s Burgenland, (From East Berlin to Varaszdin via the Burgenland,)
welches für seinen Wein bekannt, (which is famous for its wine,)
fuhr er dann mit dem Trabant, ins gelobte Bruderland, (he drove his Trabant into the promised brotherland,)
wo Asyl er, doch keine Arbeit fand! (where he got asylum, but no job!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
das steht seit kurzem leer. (it's been empty for a short time.)
Den meisten der Genossen stand nach anderem der Sinn, (Most of the comrades had other things in mind,)
als ein Land, called DDR! (than a country called GDR!)


Der Arbeiter- und Bauernstaat ist auch nicht das geworden, (The workers' and peasants' state didn't become either,)
was er schon früher niemals war. (what it actually never had been before.)
Charly Marx rotiert im Grabe, das Herz wird ihm so schwer. (Charly Marx is rotating in his grave, his heart is bleeding so much,)
Geplant war alles anders ganz und gar! (everything had been planned so very differently!)

Die Mauer ist gefallen und alles jubiliert. (The Wall has fallen, and everyone' jubilating.)
100 Mark sind schnell versoffen. (100 marks are quickly boozed up.)
Doch im Westen bleibt man nüchtern, da wird spekuliert. (But in the West, they stay sober, they're speculating.)
Ein neuer Markt ist offen! (A new market is open!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
Das steht schon fast nicht mehr! (it's almost not standing anymore!)
Früher wohnten Mister Marx und Herr Lenin drin, (Once, Mister Marx and Herr Lenin lived there,)
doch das ist lange her! (but that's a long time ago!)


Karl-Otto steht in Westberlin, noch immer arbeitslos (Karl-Otto is standing in West Berlin, still unemployed,)
und schaut sich ein Schaufenster an. (and looking at the window dressing.)
Daß nicht alles was da glänzt, Gold ist, weiss Karl-Otto längst, (That all that glitters isn't gold, Karl-Otto has learned long time ago,)
außer, wenn man sich’s leisten kann! (unless you can afford it!)

Nach der ersten Euphorie senkt ganz Western-Germany (After the first euphoria, all of Western Germany)
betreten seine Jubelfahnen. (is lowering its jubilation flags.)
Denn sind die Arbeitsplätze knapp, schiebe deinen Bruder ab, (Because if jobs are scarce, shove off your brother,)
und zum Abschied gibt’s einen Strauß Bananen! (and for goodbye, he'll get a bunch of bananas!)

Ref:
Es steht ein Haus in Ostberlin, (There's a house in East Berlin,)
das steht seit kurzem leer. (it's been empty for a short time.)
Und Karl-Otto ist dabei wieder einzuziehn, (And Karl-Otto is busy moving in again,)
in seine Heimat, called DDR. (into his home, called GDR!)

[Max Sinister]

And then there was the Soviet citizen who wanted to change his odd first name of Melsor during Destalinisation - to Melor. The reason? It was short for "Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin, October Revolution".

[Max Sinister]

Kissinger approaches a poor man: "You have this son who's 20 now, right? I know a woman who might become his wife."
The man: "Forget about it, I don't meddle in the life of my son, and he doesn't listen anyway!"
Kissinger: "But it's the daughter of baron Rothschild!"
The man: "Well, then..."

Next, Kissinger goes to the head of the World Bank.
Kissinger: "I know a young man who'd make a great vice president for you."
World Bank's president: "I already have twenty VPs, and I don't even need all of them."
Kissinger: "But the young man will soon become baron Rothschild's son-in-law!"
World Bank's president: "Well, then..."

Next, Kissinger goes to baron Rothschild.
Kissinger: "I know a young man who'd make a great match for your daughter."
Baron Rothschild: "Many men would like to be that."
Kissinger: "But the young man is already VP of the World Bank, at 20!"
Baron Rothschild: "Well, then..."