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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 28, 2024 8:25:21 GMT
Chorus of Adenauer's lackeys: "God divines it, the chancellor knows it, it's not our business."
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 2, 2024 3:45:29 GMT
George W. Bush wants to secure his second term as a President, so he orders his staff to do research about other leaders of the world to find some useful information.
The staff looks around and finds that Hosni Mubarak of Egypt has won every election with 99% for the last 25 years. They think that this is remarkable and contact his aides to ask about the story of such consistent success.
The Egyptians don't talk much but they agree to help. “Just call us one week before the election and let us inside the Federal Elections HQ. And don't disturb us for 48 hours prior to the announcement of official results.”
The Americans agree and go their way. Time passes and two Egyptian guys come one week before the elections as agreed and start working. Final day comes, polls close and the official result is declared: 99% for Hosni Mubarak!
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 5, 2024 13:35:04 GMT
A Soviet citizen has his wife participate in a cooking course. But three months later, nothing has improved: Burnt meat, raw potatoes, sour salad. He demands an explanation.
Wife: "It's not my fault! We only got as far as the 20th Congress of the CPSU!"
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lordroel
Administrator
Posts: 68,170 
Likes: 49,564
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Post by lordroel on Oct 5, 2024 13:51:15 GMT
A Soviet citizen has his wife participate in a cooking course. But three months later, nothing has improved: Burnt meat, raw potatoes, sour salad. He demands an explanation. Wife: "It's not my fault! We only got as far as the 20th Congress of the CPSU!" If you bring in a Soviet joke, i bring in Reagan telling Soviet Jokes. |
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 9, 2024 9:38:08 GMT
GDR, in the infamous prison of Bautzen.
One prisoner asks the other one in his cell: "Why are you in here?"
Prisoner #2: "I was too lazy."
Prisoner #1: "Oh, they got you for sabotage?"
Prisoner #2: "No. One evening I was chatting with a friend about politics and such. I thought tattling on him in the morning would be soon enough, but he ran to the Stasi right afterwards!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 11, 2024 22:38:06 GMT
Arafat has died and arrives at the Gates of Paradise. As usual, he's armed with his trusted AK-47. St. Peter tells him that no weapons are allowed in Heaven.
Arafat glimpses through the Pearly Gates and spots a big chair on which an old man with long gray hair and a big full beard is sitting, holding a gun. He asks: "Why not, if even God has a gun?"
St. Peter: "That's an exception. Also, that's not God, that's Karl Marx, and he's waiting for Erich Honecker!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 15, 2024 23:08:18 GMT
Austria, 1866, after they lost the battle of Königgrätz aka Sadowa. A retired Austrian general comments: "And it always went that well on the Schmelz!" |
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 18, 2024 23:01:06 GMT
Hungarian minister Wekerle tells Emperor Franz Joseph that the Hungarian senators aren't willing to accept an important law.
Franz Joseph: "Why don't you just bribe them?"
Wekerle thinks that's a good idea and leaves. But when the vote comes, the Hungarians are still against it.
Franz Joseph: "What happened? Didn't you bribe them?"
Wekerle: "Yes your majesty, I did!"
Franz Joseph: "Then why did they vote against it?"
Wekerle: "Your majesty, the Hungarians are willing to sell their country - but they won't deliver it!"
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 22, 2024 22:57:24 GMT
This one's good either: Shortly after the Russo-Japanese War, the army newspaper of A-H announces a prize money for the best answer to the question what they learned from it. The winner was this one: " {Spoiler}Nothing." (filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler filler) " |
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 25, 2024 22:17:47 GMT
(From "The Peacemakers": )
Q: "What did new Mrs. Wilson do when the president proposed to her?"
A: "She fell out of the bed from surprise."
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 30, 2024 0:22:01 GMT
"Me and Jan Sobieski are the two most stupid kings of Poland - we both saved Austria, and they were ungrateful!" Tsar Nikolai I during the Crimean War
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Post by Max Sinister on Nov 2, 2024 2:17:15 GMT
World War I. Old Feldmarschall-Leutnant Graf Pschistranek is sent for inspection to the Austrian-Russian front. In order not to confuse the old fellow, they make sure he'll visit the quietest part of the front.
The old man is walking through the dugouts, murmuring "Very nice, very nice!" all the time. But then, the Russian cannons start to shoot.
He's irritated, takes the next telephone and calls the commander of the section.
"What is going on here? Why are they shooting?"
"Weil Krieg ist, du Tepp!" (Because there's war, you fool!)
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Post by American hist on Nov 3, 2024 22:42:22 GMT
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stevep
Fleet admiral
Posts: 24,890
Likes: 13,266
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Post by stevep on Nov 4, 2024 12:35:39 GMT
Many thanks. Heard a few of them before but No. 6 especially drew a laugh.
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Post by American hist on Nov 4, 2024 19:08:17 GMT
On the Wehrmacht sniping range, the lieutenant says to a fellow soldier: "That guy over there is pretty good".
"Yes indeed, but I have a feeling that we should better check his personal background".
"Why?" "After every shot he carefully removes his fingerprints from the rifle".
Sorry I don’t get the joke
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