stevep
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Post by stevep on Sept 25, 2022 10:13:04 GMT
 He was a United States Marine.
Now that is a slur on the US Marine Corp. I hope they don't know where you live.  |
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stevep
Fleet admiral
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Post by stevep on Sept 25, 2022 10:19:54 GMT
Soviet rules A man from the Soviet Union obtains a permit to move to the USA, and his new neighbor asks how he much he likes his new apartment, so he asks him what his apartment was like back in Russia. “Oh, my old apartment was perfect. I could not complain.” So his neighbor then asks him what his job was like back home. “Oh, my old job was perfect. I could not complain.” So the neighbor asks him what the food was like back in the USSR. “Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.” Puzzled, the neighbor finally asks him, if everything was so great in the Soviet Union, why did he move? The man says, “Here I can complain.” ================================================================================ Always love this:
That parrot one was a classic.  |
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michelvan
Sub-lieutenant
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Post by michelvan on Sept 27, 2022 10:40:09 GMT
Charles De Gaulle and Conrad Adenauer have conversation:
De Gaulle: you know that Napoleon wear a red vest, so if he was injure no one could see that he bleed.
Adenauer: now i understand why Hitler wear always brown pants !
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
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Post by miletus12 on Sept 27, 2022 13:44:26 GMT
Q. What did Franklin D. Roosevelt say after he dropped his pickle?
A. "I want a new dill."
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Post by Max Sinister on Sept 28, 2022 17:23:16 GMT
For once, no Nazi Germany joke.
A philosophy student is going by train through Franco's Spain. He isn't worried about the dictatorship, because he isn't interested in politics which are less than 2000 years old. So he's sitting in his compartment and reading Platon's "The State" in the ancient Greek original.
Then, suddenly, a policeman barges in. Unfortunately for the student, the cover of his book also bears the Latin title - "Res Publica". The policeman grabs it: "Republica?! That's anti-state propaganda!"
Opening the book: "And in Russian to boot!"
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
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Post by miletus12 on Sept 29, 2022 1:58:37 GMT
Biden talks to ghosts.
Biden was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, Sleepy Joe asked: "George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied, "Tell the truth and turn yourself in."
Biden knew that would not work because he would be impeached and then jailed, so he next went to Jefferson; "Tom, you wrote our constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Jefferson said "Be for the people."
Biden knew that would not work, because if he said that he was for the people, they would see right through his lies and that too would lead to his impeachment and then prison, as he had always selfishly placed himself before everyone. So, Biden moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are our greatest. Can you advise me?"
Lincoln said; "You need a day off, Joe. Go to the theater. See "Our American Cousin" and then all of your problems will be solved."
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 8, 2022 3:11:59 GMT
For a change, a World War I joke:
A German soldier who became a Russian PoW is talking to a Jewish-Russian soldier.
German: "Our kaiser is great. He visits the front every week."
Jewish Russian: "Our tsar is even greater. He doesn't have to move, but the front is getting closer to him by itself."
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Post by American hist on Oct 8, 2022 5:28:22 GMT
Here is a civil war joke what does CSA stand for? The other person asks what the Confederate States of America? No can't stand Abe.
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Post by Max Sinister on Oct 19, 2022 1:26:02 GMT
Didn't know that one. Here's a new one:
Some joke from WW2:
Q: When will the world be better?
A: When Franco's widow will tell Stalin on his deathbed that during Mussolini's funeral Adolf Hitler was shot dead.
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
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Post by miletus12 on Nov 8, 2022 7:00:48 GMT
Confessional... Elderly Man: “Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic.” Priest: “I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war.” Elderly Man: “I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed.” Priest: “That’s not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive.” Elderly Man: “Should I tell him the war is over?” =============================================================================== Two Russians are queueing up for bread in Red Square about 10 years ago. Expletive delete this’, says one, ‘I’m going to go and shoot Putin’ and he storms off towards the Kremlin. Fifteen minutes later he returns and silently re-joins the queue. ‘Well?’ asks his friend. ‘Did you shoot Putin?’ ‘No chance. The queue to shoot him was twice as long as this one’. =============================================================================== An American man and a Russian are arguing over who has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk up to The White House and yell ‘Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” The Soviet man says, “I can do the same thing! I can walk up to the Kremlin and yell “Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” =============================================================================== "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters. Historically this has not generally been true. =============================================================================== An aged Soviet citizen goes into a government office to fill out relocation forms. Where were you born? Saint Petersburg Where did you go to college? Petrograd. Where do you live now? Leningrad Where do you want to live? Saint Petersburg. ================================================================================ What did Soviet recruits learn in basic training before they were shipped off to Kabul? How to surrender to the Afghans in 17 different Afghani tribal dialects. I seem to remember that this training was recently revived for the Ukraine vacation package promised to new Russian Wagner Group "volunteers" if they joined up. ================================================================================ About 2,000 years ago... And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and he won a toaster. ================================================================================ What’s got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A Russian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind. ================================================================================ A Roman walks into a bar and yells “Martinus!” “Don’t you mean Martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman says “If I had wanted a double I would have asked for it.” ================================================================================  I also do bar mitzvahs and weddings. Miletus12 |
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stevep
Fleet admiral
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Post by stevep on Nov 8, 2022 13:48:49 GMT
Confessional... Elderly Man: “Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic.” Priest: “I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war.” Elderly Man: “I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed.” Priest: “That’s not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive.” Elderly Man: “Should I tell him the war is over?” =============================================================================== Two Russians are queueing up for bread in Red Square about 10 years ago. Expletive delete this’, says one, ‘I’m going to go and shoot Putin’ and he storms off towards the Kremlin. Fifteen minutes later he returns and silently re-joins the queue. ‘Well?’ asks his friend. ‘Did you shoot Putin?’ ‘No chance. The queue to shoot him was twice as long as this one’. =============================================================================== An American man and a Russian are arguing over who has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk up to The White House and yell ‘Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” The Soviet man says, “I can do the same thing! I can walk up to the Kremlin and yell “Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” =============================================================================== "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters. Historically this has not generally been true. =============================================================================== An aged Soviet citizen goes into a government office to fill out relocation forms. Where were you born? Saint Petersburg Where did you go to college? Petrograd. Where do you live now? Leningrad Where do you want to live? Saint Petersburg. ================================================================================ What did Soviet recruits learn in basic training before they were shipped off to Kabul? How to surrender to the Afghans in 17 different Afghani tribal dialects. I seem to remember that this training was recently revived for the Ukraine vacation package promised to new Russian Wagner Group "volunteers" if they joined up. ================================================================================ About 2,000 years ago... And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and he won a toaster. ================================================================================ What’s got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A Russian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind. ================================================================================ A Roman walks into a bar and yells “Martinus!” “Don’t you mean Martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman says “If I had wanted a double I would have asked for it.” ================================================================================ I also do bar mitzvahs and weddings. Miletus12
I remember the one about the tank from my school days, although the target then was Italians rather than Russians.
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
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Post by miletus12 on Nov 8, 2022 16:22:17 GMT
Confessional... Elderly Man: “Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic.” Priest: “I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war.” Elderly Man: “I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed.” Priest: “That’s not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive.” Elderly Man: “Should I tell him the war is over?” =============================================================================== Two Russians are queueing up for bread in Red Square about 10 years ago. Expletive delete this’, says one, ‘I’m going to go and shoot Putin’ and he storms off towards the Kremlin. Fifteen minutes later he returns and silently re-joins the queue. ‘Well?’ asks his friend. ‘Did you shoot Putin?’ ‘No chance. The queue to shoot him was twice as long as this one’. =============================================================================== An American man and a Russian are arguing over who has more freedom. The American says, “I can walk up to The White House and yell ‘Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” The Soviet man says, “I can do the same thing! I can walk up to the Kremlin and yell “Carter is a disgrace’, and nobody can do anything about it.” =============================================================================== "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters. Historically this has not generally been true. =============================================================================== An aged Soviet citizen goes into a government office to fill out relocation forms. Where were you born? Saint Petersburg Where did you go to college? Petrograd. Where do you live now? Leningrad Where do you want to live? Saint Petersburg. ================================================================================ What did Soviet recruits learn in basic training before they were shipped off to Kabul? How to surrender to the Afghans in 17 different Afghani tribal dialects. I seem to remember that this training was recently revived for the Ukraine vacation package promised to new Russian Wagner Group "volunteers" if they joined up. ================================================================================ About 2,000 years ago... And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and he won a toaster. ================================================================================ What’s got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A Russian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind. ================================================================================ A Roman walks into a bar and yells “Martinus!” “Don’t you mean Martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman says “If I had wanted a double I would have asked for it.” ================================================================================ I also do bar mitzvahs and weddings. Miletus12
I remember the one about the tank from my school days, although the target then was Italians rather than Russians.
I remember that same joke. My grandfather told me that it was not true at all. According to him, in Tunisia, the Italians may have had lousy tanks, but they had very good tank destroyers, they shot straight, their shells, unlike ours, worked all too well, and the Shermans turned into bonfires. It was not the Germans who were scary, he said. Those "people" lacked imagination and came straight at you. It was the Italians in their 'Semoventes" who hid out and popped you where you thought nobody could possibly run a tank. He had actually had an Italian joke, that was rather gruesome. How do you know when it is a bad day to be Irish? Al Capone takes a vacation. |
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
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Post by miletus12 on Nov 10, 2022 5:31:04 GMT
POTUS.
"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting."
—Ronald Reagan
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Academics.
A Russian soldier walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare.
The librarian replies, “Don't bother asking. You’ll only lose it.”
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Urban renewal.
What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was submitted for building a parking lot?
“Over my dead body”
He is parking space A-14.
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1968 or thereabouts...
Fidel Castro visits Moscow and is taken on a tour by Leonid Brezhnev. First, they go for a drink, and Castro praises the beer. “Yes, it was provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia,” says Brezhnev.
Next, they go for a ride in a car, and Castro admires the car. “Yes, these cars are provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia.” says Brezhnev.
They drive to an exhibition of beautiful cut glass, which Castro greatly admires. “Yes, this glass is provided by our good friends from Czechoslovakia.” says Brezhnev.
“They must be very good friends,” says Castro. “Yes,” says Brezhnev, "They must be..."
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Presidential wisdom.
"In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress."
—President John Adams
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Shotgun in Norwegian is Hagle. You'll get it in a moment.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Where do young Vikings hang out?
In the Norsery.
My boyfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture, he’d fight me to the death.
“Jokes on you,” I told him. “If I die in battle, I’ll go straight to Valhalla. You will still be stuck on the expletive deleted bridge.”
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call a vegan Viking?
A Norvegan!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
===============================================================================
And one baaaad math joke of a historical turn. This one will have you going in circles.
Who built King Arthur’s round table?
Sir Cumference.
M.
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Post by Max Sinister on Nov 12, 2022 23:00:27 GMT
Adolf Nazi wants to know what his Germans actually think about him. But he doesn't trust his underlings to tell him the truth either. So one day, he shaves off his moustache, puts on civilian clothes, and goes into the city. Then he asks a random German: "Say - what do you think about Hitler?"
The guy looks left and right, waves the "Führer" to walk along with him, they go to a quiet corner, the other guy looks left and right again, then he bends over and whispers: "I don't think he's that bad, actually!"
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miletus12
Squadron vice admiral
To get yourself lost, just follow the signs.
Posts: 7,470
Likes: 4,295
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Post by miletus12 on Nov 14, 2022 0:28:09 GMT
Adolf Nazi wants to know what his Germans actually think about him. But he doesn't trust his underlings to tell him the truth either. So one day, he shaves off his moustache, puts on civilian clothes, and goes into the city. Then he asks a random German: "Say - what do you think about Hitler?" The guy looks left and right, waves the "Führer" to walk along with him, they go to a quiet corner, the other guy looks left and right again, then he bends over and whispers: "I don't think he's that bad, actually!" Paratroopers from England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland were on a plane... During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland were on a plane when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. --The Irish paratrooper downed a glass of Guiness, said "For Ireland!" and jumped without the parachute. --The Welshman downed a glass of ale, said "For Wales!" and jumped without the parachute. --The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman out of the plane. The American pilot, who flew the plane, looked back from the cockpit, and told the Scotsman; "You know we land in five minutes?" "Aye." the Scotsman replied; "That's why I had to hurry things. I thought the rest of them would figure it out." |
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